To Juliet on Our Twelfth Anniversary

And…here…we…are! Dodici anni. I begin where I must. You are the light that illuminates my world.

Over the last year, your sacrifices kept us on course when our dream seemed derailed, like so many others in 2020. I suppose I have more to be grateful for than at any point in my lifetime. Not only did you save our necks last year, but you also continued to help save the most vulnerable and fragile of our species, our precious children. The American birthrate has plummeted, and children are needed for our nation to continue to thrive. You are a parent’s angel of hope, and my admiration for you has swelled throughout our relationship. It is now at a point where I realize that I have indeed married far above my station in life. Selflessness assumes an understanding of a larger context. The birthrate is indicative of a nation’s self-confidence and belief in tomorrow; human selflessness is an exceptional indicator of hope.

I thought, for many years, that I was the hopeful one among us. As it turns out, I am far more fragile than I had imagined. At times during all of this madness of pandemic and work stoppage, I thought we might be doomed to a tragic financial fate. The lost sleep and missing appetite were put at rest by you and your willingness to take on an even greater load. Your dedication to others and to the cause of keeping them alive indicates your firm grasp of context. Because of your example, I began to emerge from my funk and began to chase the harmony I believed had eluded us. And I hope you will agree that I have indeed started to capitalize on these opportunities to improve. I think of Churchill and paraphrase him here, if our relationship should last for a hundred years, this, we could say, was our finest hour. I can hope with all of my romantic and manic dreams that this was our most challenging year. And, if not, perhaps we could be spared the craggy rocks of doom for a few more before we find ourselves listing once again. I want so much for us to climb from the shelter of our nightly rituals and allow for the healing of human interaction to wake us from this isolated slumber. 

So, now we go (or will have gone) on our first flight since February 2020. I am sure we are no longer the same weary wanderers that we had become before the world halting. We are quasi-enlightened seekers of experiences but using greater discretion and far fewer bags of money to have them. I know that I am grateful you are still here, and I am still so in love with you. I could never have guessed that anything could hold my interest and continue to show me new layers of life and continue to deepen our union after so many years. Now, I cannot imagine anything more permanent in our human experience than our love for one another. 

So here we are, at twelve years, we have reached that pivotal dozen. But what about the birthrate? Somehow it continues to enter into our daily talks, and our empty spaces resonate with what feels like longing. Is it just me? Should our dance card be more inclusive? I suppose that dance will keep maneuvering, as it tends to do. And I guess the following letter might (although unlikely) shed further light on the subject. I love you, Juliet!

Here we come, world!

May the dance continue and the dance floors be numerous

To Juliet on Our Tenth Anniversary

This one has taken me a while to imagine and even longer to write. I suppose we will always struggle with verbal communication as our relationship grows more profound into the unspoken and the need for words diminishes. It became clear to me while we were driving from Brownwood back to DFW a couple of weeks ago that we have indeed lived some adventures over the years. I had always believed that living an adventurous life would slow the course of time, or at least the perception that time is moving. In some ways it has. Our many travels have revealed parts of the planet that we could not have understood without traveling there and have shown us parts of ourselves that were not yet visible without the experience of travel. However, I cannot help but feel the weight of age, even at a reasonably young age, and the knowledge that we have been married for ten years.

Perhaps my greatest joy in reflecting on these 3650 days is that I long for more. And unlike at the beginning where the longing was for travel, experiences and personal success, the desire now is simply for time with you. I think many couples become accustomed to time apart from their spouses. They have girls' and boys' weekends. They travel for work often. They split tasks to manage their kids. I can certainly grasp the appeal in those particular types of marriages. But we are not in those categories. I do not intend to disparage other people's needs and choices here, but voluntary time apart is merely unappealing and unfulfilling for me. You are the muse to my madness. Your smile widens each night as the days fall away through the course of our meals and our bottles of wine. The time we have together is where ideas are born, plans are hatched, and our connection is deepened.

I realize these letters over the years are pretty one-sided. There are probably people out there that believe that I am a needy asshole and that you might benefit from some "alone time." We both know that the door is always open and that the life we have here is indeed a choice. At the same time, I do my best to ask you where your feelings are and what needs should be addressed regularly. It always seems to come back to sleep and alone together time to get you fully recharged. For me, it is, and likely always will be, being on the adventure of marriage with you. We do not have kids. We have wrestled with that since the beginning ten years ago. And we have likely at least a few more years to decide what course of action to take in that arena. For now, no pets, no property, and no obligations but love and trust in the paths we are choosing.

Ten years for us - Our 19th trip to Italy together happens in a couple of weeks. Perhaps our Italian life is our child or at least our pet. We have visited 31 countries together since 2007, and that list will likely grow again this year. We have so many possibilities on the horizon, and yet they are imbued with an edge of uncertainty. This likely more how I like it than how you would prefer it. At the same time though, every time we shut the engines down awhile we both become intolerably grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy. But perhaps we will get better. Maybe the dream is to reach the next space in life. We have had these life chapters, and they are better than fiction. The story can bog down at times, but there is always resolution, poetry, intrigue, and climax. Is there a better way to write a novel?

In conclusion, since this is now bordering on long-form prose, the ten years since we married have been the most pivotal and enlightening days of my life. I hold out hope that we will continue this journey. I dream each night that I will keep waking up with you and that our lives will only become more precious with joy while becoming more open and charitable as well. Thank you for marrying me ten years ago. Thank you for agreeing to do it over again hundreds of times since that warm day in Austin, Texas. I love you more than the sum of every part of everything I have loved before or since I met you.

Yours always,

Michael