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Michael D Housewright
  • Work
  • Housewrighter
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  • Video Production
  • About Michael
  • Contact
  • Housewrighter Musings

The Grape Harvest - Part 1

Mike awoke, and as was often the case did not immediately know where he was. In that space between light and shadow he dreamed. Mike called these awake dreams and often began speaking aloud to characters that were not present, even before he was unconscious and by all accounts, still awake.

This morning his dream framed images of his uncle shot at close range by his cousin and then a victim list on a television news broadcast. The confusion of time shifting always makes perfect sense in a dream and when Mike would become cognizant of an absurd shift is usually when he would wake or on other occasions fall deeper into the dream.

On this day the unfamiliar room was the catalyst that brought Mike from the awake dream. He had not paid much attention to the place the night before as the wine was much more interesting than the room. Although lovely, the sheer size of the place was much grander than any he had experienced in Italy before. This was certainly not Puglia he thought as he leaned back onto a second pillow and gave a fleeting last glance at the remnant dream images in his head.

Why would he dream about something so macabre while in a place of beauty he thought as he reached for his iPhone to check some of the photos from the evening prior. Indeed there was the final shot; closeups of wine globules beading along the side of the last bottle of Nebbiolo he had taken back to his room. There next to the phone on the side table was the bottle as well as the red-purple stain on the white linen doily. "Oops, that was stupid," he said out loud.

It was Hard for him to believe he had been here before because of the foreign way in which the place felt. In addition, all the rooms were unique as was often the case with Italian lodging, and this was certainly not the room where he had stayed previously. As he glanced towards the window though, he knew he was at least in a familiar land.

The sun was beginning to ramp up for its daily fight with the fog and there was a muted light making its way through the sheer curtains. Ahh Piedmont, Seattle in a Farmer's overalls, Mike had written on the notepad provided with the room. How could he use this in a post? Would any of his readers know what he meant by that?

He got to his feet and caught himself in the mirror. There was nothing like being nude in a foreign place he thought. It was refreshing to feel strange air on familiar places. The flooring was warmed from pipes beneath making the walk across the wood such a treat for the feet. Mike considered this elementary rhyme as he pulled the door open to the bathroom and entered the bright grey sky-lit room.  At morning attention knew it would be difficult to release immediately and as he waited with no change in his condition he contemplated sitting on the toilet to relieve himself. Instead, he stared into the bathroom mirror for a different perspective of his body.

The hair on his chest was clipped to a pattern he could live with while his facial hair was strikingly absent. He had worn a beard since she told him he looked sexy with it all those years ago. Mike wanted to look sexy almost as much as he wanted to drink, just not quite.

As the urge to urinate became almost unbearable Mike ran his hands along his back, stepped back to a typically uncomfortable distance and fired away into the elegant porcelain bowl. This particular commode lacked the vulgar shit shelf of many European toilets. He knew after breakfast and coffee he would return here and the prospect of inspection was never a pleasing consideration while reading something relaxing. Mike wondered if all people considered the design of a bathroom to be either functional or decorative as he did.

He warmed a wash cloth at the sink and began to wipe the sleep from his eyes and the pillow styling from his newly cropped hair. His hair when cut and on the barbershop floor reminded him of big puffy balls of pubes. It was unfortunate, he had thought for most of his life, to have hair more appropriately textured for the scrubbing of pots and pans than running fingers through. So he never really let anyone touch it. Kind of like someone with a big stomach feels pain when it is jostled, Mike's head was psychosomatically sensitive to touch.

After his daily wash cloth ritual he began to be stirred emotionally at the thought of the breakfast downstairs. At this villa there would be no less than 6 unpasteurized cheeses on offer along with a homemade jam derived from the juice and skins of second crop dolcetto grapes. He had always perceived dolcetto to have a taste like an intense jelly and when he learned that his suspicion was indeed a reality it made him giddy. Now, at long last he would be back in his breakfast heaven.

As Mike reached for his underwear that he had washed in the sink the night before, there came a knock at his door. Mike, frozen for a second not knowing what to do or say found the words just as the door was rapped a second time:

Mike - un attimo per piacere

Hotel Employee - abbiamo una lettera per lei Signore

Mike - per io? la lettera e per Mike...

HE - (interrupting) si e vero

Mike opened the door slightly so as not to expose his current malady and took the letter. When he looked down he realized it was in the Villa's own stationary. He began to say something to the hotel employee but she was gone.

He tore open the envelope and inside was written a single word:

Colazione? (breakfast?) ....to be continued

tags: @blissadventure, adventure, Fiction, food, food porn, foodies, humor, italian, Italy, Italy Stories, Michael Housewright, Piedmont, the blissful adventurer, Travel, wine
Friday 04.06.12
Posted by Sarah Finger
 

IMO Thursday - Identity Theft - Can Someone Steal You?

I have heard so many commercials on the radio lately promising to protect me from "identity theft". Really, I need to pay a service to protect something inextricably linked to my very existence?

I realize that nasty little thieves may steal my credit cards, my cash, and possibly even commit crimes in my name. However, I do not need a social security number to have an identity, and if perverse perpetrators capture my 9 digits they have only robbed me of material and caused me severe frustration. The US Government did not assign me an identity, not even close.

None of us receive an identity from some sort of human sanctioned agency of "identification." By the definitions below our identification only serves in the verification of our identities. Yes, once again I will say that it is an awful crime to have one's identification stolen and it can indeed create suffering. However no person on this planet may steal what makes us who we are.

iden·ti·ty noun ī-ˈden-tə-tē, ə-, -ˈde-nə-

plural iden·ti·ties

Definition of IDENTITY

1

a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances

b : sameness in all that constitutes the objective reality of a thing : oneness

2

a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality

b : the relation established by psychological identification

Now, I can certainly see where my identity over the years was a little vague. I know when my heart has been broken or when I have experienced loss I was not sure who I was in the metaphysical sense. However, I am pretty sure the immutable qualities we all share which are defined well in 1A above have never wavered.

This post is not intended in any way to downplay the victims of terrible thefts nor aggravate their suffering. I am simply saying the term is a fallacy and thank God for it. If someone could truly steal my identity then we would be in the realm of great comic book evil and/or ridiculous humor. Even then, in great fiction I have never seen it pondered that another might think and act in precise step to an individual. A Doppelganger by all physical accounts yet the thoughts if they misstep from one another for a fraction of  second dispel the ruse.

As for Identical twins, this is scary close to having one's identity split or multiplied; however, in knowing a few of these amazing people in my life I am awed by their similarities and equally wowed that these Gemini are typically so vastly different in their thoughts, when they arrive and how they arise.

Thanks for playing today friends and rest assured that while your money will always be accessible and at risk, who you are remains safe and sound.

TBA

tags: @blissadventure, adventure, Fraud, Identity, Identity Theft, Juliet Housewright, Michael Housewright, philosophy, the blissful adventurer, Travel
Thursday 04.05.12
Posted by Sarah Finger
 

Blissful Adventures - Casting Call

Calling all interested in sharing their Bliss! 

I am looking for a few good bloggers to guest blog on The Blissful Adventure while I  am traveling in Italy in May.

Travel Bloggers, Food Bloggers, Photographers, and Humorists to the front of the line :-)

For 25 consecutive days I will post a morning blog from one of my talented colleagues in on of the following topics:

  • Italy Travel - Because that is where I will be

  • Italian Food - Because this is what I will be eating (recipes are required)

  • Italy Photos - Because I will be taking them too

  • Italy Humor - If you have a funny story about being in Italy from Italy or married to an Italian.

  • Haiku - I will definitely need the Haiku Sunday to continue so if you can post at least 5 original images (preferably of Italy) and do 5 Haiku the job is yours

I will post in the afternoons or evenings in days when I can find a break in the action; otherwise, I will be relying on my team (my fellow bloggers) to keep my blog fresh and alive.

If you have an interest in being part of this fun and community-building exercise email your idea(s) to me at mhousewright@yahoo.com 

All entries will be sent to me and approved in advance. Your posts will introduce you as the guest blogger and link readers directly to your blog. I encourage you all to post a link to your guest appearance on the day the blog will run which I will inform you of in advance. If you are selected to guest blog on TBA all entries must be in by Sunday April 29, 2012 to be considered.

I am confident this will be great fun!

Cheers,

Michael - The Blissful Adventurer

tags: @blissadventure, adventure, bliss, Blog, blogging, Blogs, Colorado, Europe, food, food porn, foodies, guest blogger, Haiku, humor, italian, Italy, Juliet Housewright, Michael Housewright, Photography, the blissful adventurer, Travel
Wednesday 04.04.12
Posted by Sarah Finger
 

Why I Travel - Or how I almost became a Mexican DJ - The Finale

At last the final installment detailing the trip that began my life as a traveler and storyteller. This is 100% True.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

There was not much time between my return from her hotel and our scheduled farewell dinner that night. The other folks who had been part of the scuba trip not mentioned here in these stories now seemed to be all around me. I did not like any of them and did my best to steer clear of the stubby business guy, the used car salesman, and of course the snobby teens who had all been there for Scuba.

I had not been there for SCUBA, I was there for discovery of a much more telling variety. I was at the time a little sad I had not made friends with the main-streamers and over the course of the next 20+ years of travel I would learn why. I do not tick off boxes on a life agenda. I do not go where lines are long and patience is a requirement. I don't obey traffic laws when the law is not applicable to good sense, and I have always known that what goes on in Mexico does NOT stay in Mexico, it lives within us the rest of our lives.

I wanted dinner to be over quickly. I had to get to the Scaramouche and meet her tonight. I was sure that it was just the unfamiliar nature of our hotel room that held her back that day and like any self-respecting hormonal teenage boy, I could not go home to the gang without a real conquest. Besides, I had the sack to lead her from the dance floor one night. I could surely do it again.

I had been at Scaramouche almost an hour. This time I was fueled on lime daiquiris and nervous hope that the sinking feeling in my stomach was not a harbinger of doom. I was growing tired of the music and I was alone. The crew was all still at the farewell dinner and Scaramouche was not on the evening's agenda for the boys. They were planning to visit the beach disco Maya 2000 that night as it was purported to have a greater abundance of local flavor and in all honesty, cheaper drinks.

I paced back and forth looking like a caged animal waiting to pounce. I wanted to tell her I was sorry if I went too fast, hoping she would say no, you weren't going fast enough. I was ready to say so much when I finally spotted her. Somehow she had made her way into the club and was already on the dance floor and she was dancing with "Tony Montana". That sonofabitch! I could not believe it was him and I really could not believe he was wearing the same damned clothes. His hips were moving like they were on a swivel and my girl was smiling at him like she had just been given a new puppy.

Writing this right now I can feel my stomach turn with a sense of enormous loss and dreamlike disbelief at recalling this moment from over twenty years ago. I think it may be because I have experienced the feeling several times in my life since that night,and each time it cleaved a bit of fat from my soul.

I pushed down the remaining drops of my limey drink as I watched this dirty derelict steal my glory. I waited patiently and completely on edge till I saw her break for the restroom. I quickly followed and caught her near the front door.

Me: what the hell is going on with you?

Her: excuse me

Me: You told me to meet you here and I was waiting for an hour and now you are dancing with that thug

Her: you don't own me, I can dance with who I want

Me: yeah, but we were supposed to hang out

Her: well things change

Me: what do you mean

Her: I mean, he gets it, he met me before I met you and I wasn't sure until now, but he gets it

Me: really? this thug gets it? come talk to me outside

Her: why?

Me: so we can talk without this fucking music goddamnit

Her: oh, blasphemy now...its not worth it

Me: oh you are a good girl now...? come outside (taking her arm and getting as far as the stairs before she pulled away) I want you to come with me to the other club and I am sorry I was too forward

Her: I am not leaving with you

Suddenly like the fucking Myna bird from the 1930s cartoons I saw him from the corner of my eye smoking a cigarette along the sea wall. How did he get there I thought. I saw him motion to her and then puff out his chest like a bird on the Discovery Channel towards me. I was admittedly taken aback and I wished to God the donde boys had been there to deal him a death-blow.

She pulled away from me completely and began walking towards the creepy pirate. She looked over her shoulder after about 10 paces and in a partial whisper said, "I'm sorry"

As they met he took her hand and they began to stroll along the wall and I assumed to his place where he would lay claim to my loving cup.

I hollered out to whoever would be able to hear me, "Blasphemy? Really?" and then mumbled a curse under my breath and hailed a cab.

I arrived at the Maya 2000 with a heavy heart. The place was empty and the music was terrible. I was determined to return the Mojo that had been just stolen from me and I was going to do it in cavalier fashion. I ordered a rum and coke (a drink I despise to this day) and looked for a willing victim. At this point in the evening the club was sparsely dotted with aging douche bags and their leathery wives. I knew things were bumping back at Scaramouche but there was no way I was going back there. Besides, I knew my people would eventually arrive here.

After about 20 minutes of bad drink and awful music I made my way to the DJ booth to request a song. In the booth was a 5'5" 250 pound snowball in white with a beard and mustache. He was the color of burned caramel and had hands like a hobbit. I asked him in broken Spanish if I could hear a song. He cupped his hand to his ear suggesting he could not hear me and so I repeated myself more loudly at which point he looked at me and said:

SB - El DJ está ahí (the DJ is there)

Me: ¿dónde? (here)

SB - que está allí (he's over there)

Me: él? el baile tipo? (him?  the guy dancing?)

SB - sí, que lo es

The DJ was a man of about 45, lean, with slick hair and dressed entirely in white. His shirt was perfectly pressed with embroidered patterns running along the center of the shirt and finished by crocheted buttons. It appeared like everyone knew him and he definitely seemed like he had no interest in returning to the DJ booth.

The Snowball looked at me again and motioned for me to come in the booth. He seemed edgy like he had someplace to be and quickly. He pointed to a stack of records in crates and suggested I choose my song from there.

The smell of the warm amplifiers and the whirl of lights on the equipment hit me like a shot of courage from the Korova Milk Bar. Was this fat little Mayan going to let me at the helm of the Club 2000?

Sure enough he pointed to the volume, fader, cross-fader, and the video controls as he watched me queue up my first pick Rock me Amadeus by Falco. In moments I was headset over one ear and working towards bleeding in a little Need you Tonight by INXS. The system was crystal clear and after my first two songs Snowball left me on my own. I watched the DJ as he held court with no less than a dozen gorgeous women on the floor. He periodically made gestures to the booth suggesting approval for the choices made by his fat little colleague (who was now back at the bar serving drinks).

After about 35 minutes of my spinning records the place was filling rapidly, and that is when I spotted the donde boys. They tore in the front door and crashed to the bar where Snowball served them tall drinks. I knew as I saw my father stroll into the club with BR and the rest of the guests, including the tee-totaling teens that my moment to shine was then. I knew I had once shot to show them why I didn't SCUBA, why losing a girl would not bring me down, and why the real DJ must have been in fact an island angel in white.

I brought the lights down and left the disco ball and blue lights engaged. The place was honestly too dark to walk easily but the mood was sexy as hell. I faded out the beat and slowly brought up the opening of George Michael's Father Figure and as I watched the dancers grow antsy over the slow pace I faded into the Beastie Boys:

" LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT" - belted the lyrics on a volume level I am sure the audio system at the Maya 2000 had never attained before or since. "kick it over here baby pop and let all the fly skimmies feel the beat.....ummmmm DROP! BOOM BOOM BOOM! went the bass as The lights flickered and the woofers lurched forward to the point of pulling at their housings and sounding like a Mexican cabbie grinding the rusty gears of an ancient taxi. The wind from the speakers blew up skirts and shorts on the dance floor as the Beasties screamed "coolin on a corner on a hot summer's day". Snowball ran from the bar and the DJ spun in complete horror as I, in one sweet moment of audio overload, was completely destroying the Disco Maya 2000.

Snowball got to me first as he pulled hard on the volume lever like a pilot of a Cessna trying to bring the plane out of a terminal dive. I was laughing with joy as I cross-faded into Erasure's A Little Respect when the DJ met me in utter disbelief of my presence. However, soon he was all smiles because there were dancing bodies across the club cheering and smiling at thebpm  onslaught.

Not only had I taken the bridge of a dead club just one hour before as a 17-year-old kid from Texas I had brought it to heights of success and jubilant celebration that I knew was not happening at the hated Scaramouche. Somewhere on the island Tony Montana was being introduced to American Blue-Balls but I was having the most triumphant moment of the most exciting week of my life.

When the DJ walked me down from the booth to meet my waiting father I could tell the two men must have recognized one another as there was a bit of an awkward pause before the DJ he asked my dad if I would be back tomorrow. My dad smiled and said that I was 17 and I had to get back to Texas and to school. However, I knew in my memories I would be back everyday of my life.

On the flight home the next day I could tell my father was ready to be home to his wife. I no longer knew what home was.

This is why I travel and how I almost became a Mexican DJ.

tags: @blissadventure, adventure, Aqua Adventures, blogging, blue balls, Cozumel, disco, DJ, drinking, food, humor, kiss, life, Maya 2000, Michael Housewright, Quintana Roo, Scaramouche, social media, the blissful adventurer, Travel
Tuesday 04.03.12
Posted by Sarah Finger
 

Why I Travel - Or how I almost became a Mexican DJ Part 5

This is the penultimate chapter in the story of how I came to be enamored with travel and imbued with wanderlust.

I would suggest reading the first 4 parts before reading this one if you want the back story; otherwise, just dive in and let me know your thoughts.

She wore tight denim shorts. That is the memory that pervades the images in my mind as I consider our walk through the streets of Cozumel that day. I had completely forgotten where I was as I looked often at my new friend and could have cared less about the sea, the sun, or even investigating some new part of the island. Her body and how each component of it made me tingle in places and ways I never had before, was all the exploration I wanted. To this day the physical discovery of a woman is easily the most powerful curiosity I have ever experienced. No drink, drug, or thrill has ever surpassed the initial few hours of intimacy with a heavenly creature of the opposite sex.

She seemed a little annoyed that I insisted she see our shitty little dive hotel in town rather than seeking a beach. I am sure now as I think back that she realized I was not the dashing and brave young man fueled on rum and sugar that had spun her about the dance floor like Travolta in Urban Cowboy. I was indeed a neophyte lover seeking physical contact like a zombie wants brains, and just as clumsily.

As we were walking I began to notice a menacing figure lurking along the wall and then again near the shop where we grabbed a Mexi-Coke. At first I blew it off finding it odd that I would even notice or recognize a person more than once while on vacation and while wearing puberty-colored glasses. Yet, this guy, dressed in a dark printed silk shirt and black trousers with a thin pirate moustache was just creepy enough to stain my thoughts and create a nervous edge to my alternatively brilliant state of mind. As I saw him walking a few paces behind us I noticed my girl glance at him over her shoulder and even though this was indeed my "first rodeo" with a girl something about that wide-eyed peek told me all was not cool.

As we rounded the corner towards my hotel and finally without the specter of "Tony Montana" over our shoulders she looked up at me and smiled. We made our way into the hotel which I assumed she would find a complete dump compared to her modern accommodations. On the contrary she was immediately taken with all of the wondrous scuba equipment strewn across the floor. I wasted little time and began to undress a bit. With my shirt off and shorts almost down she put my mask and snorkel on me and then quickly threw off her shirt and pressed against me. At last, my first bra! I thought as I was much more adept with the snap than kids in movies I had seen.

Her breasts were much softer than I ever expected. They felt like a cross between a pillow and a warm water bottle. She put on my father's scuba mask and in our 12X14 room we began to act as though we were under the water. We both moved about the room with swimming motions and turned our heads sharply from side to side as if we had a 360 degree view of the world. We took turns wearing my father's BC and I remember how unbelievably sexy she was bare-breasted with that yellow and blue buoyancy control device providing intermittent support and glances to the promised-land. At that point I could no longer control the anticipation and  I "swam" up behind her and using hand gestures and faux bubble sounds I intimated that I could help her with her shorts. She obliged, and let me tell you that if I was good with the bra, removing her painted-on denim shorts set fire to our willing suspensions of disbelief and our playful underwater dance came to an abrupt end.

I started trying to ask how to make it better as she began to laugh uproariously. It took me a moment to realize I was still wearing my fucking scuba mask and I sounded like a moron when I spoke. Eventually I was able to remove her shorts and there we were very nearly to the bottom of the 9th and I was Casey at Bat. I was simply beside myself at what I was seeing when the full picture came into view for the first time in my life. I was so nervous I thought I would pee my already moist drawers. The site of this bronzed-beauty was such a stark contrast with my pasty skin tone it was almost jarring.

The flowers I imagined in her hair and the look on her face I perceived to mean "come on in" was like I had been born suddenly into a new person. This was going to happen!

Just 15 or 16 hours ago I had never even kissed a girl and now here I was on the cusp of conquest, the kisses, the aromas of food I never knew existed, and the newness of circumstance muted all my senses. I wanted to be touched too I thought, just like I am touching her. I have no idea how this could be bad I justified as I was readying myself for the victory lap.

Then, and without any warning came one of the most awful sentences any human had ever spoken to me. "We're not going all the way!" she said in a voice I did not even know she possessed. I can hear the sound of this sentence as clear now as it was nearly 25 years ago and in slow motion even "weeeee'rrrrre nooooooot gooooooiiiiiing alllllll theuuuuhh waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy"

Aaaaargh! I just gave her all I had. I just showed her all our cool and fun scuba shit! We were alone, we were in Mexico! What the hell.....why???

In that instant I heard the sounds of the donde boys from the stairs, and then I saw their faces through the shutters as they ambled along our second floor walkway. They were back, they were coming here, and my girl and I were in a compromising state of uncompromised. We were guilty and with nothing to show for it! She grabbed her clothes and ran for the bathroom. I sprinted up and locked the door just as my Dad's hand hit the handle.

I shouted "one sec, I am changing clothes" as I threw on my shorts and shirt. I opened the door and while it was so completely obvious what we had been doing in that room, no one paid us a bit of mind. When my unrequited lover emerged from the bathroom the boys and my father practically ignored her. I just knew I was screwed even though I hadn't because I had no knowledge of what my father and the boys had just experienced.

Somewhere on the other side of the island a man dressed in white carrying a 45 caliber handgun had come to the aid of 3 American strangers and without even knowing it, a young man from Texas was extremely grateful as well. I am certain had the boys not been shell-shocked they would have given my tease of a girl and I the third degree.

As it was she and I slipped out the door and took a cab back to her place. We sat in silence for the duration of the cab ride and as she exited I gave her a small kiss and she told me to meet her at the Scaramouche that night. I was more than a little confused as the cab driver made the turn back to town. I was not about to give up on her and at the same time the dull, blue ache in my loins would not belie the feelings to come...to be continued

tags: @blissadventure, adventure, Aqua Adventures, blogging, blue balls, Cozumel, disco, drinking, food, humor, kiss, life, Michael Housewright, Quintana Roo, Scaramouche, social media, the blissful adventurer, Travel
Monday 04.02.12
Posted by Sarah Finger
 
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