Be My Guest - TBA Seeking Guest Bloggers for May (Less Rules More Fun!)

Dear Followers of Bliss - After a Nice Call to be a guest blogger on my site I realized I made the requirements as little narrow the first time and therefore some of you whom I thought would jump at this likely believed your posts would not fit the parameters. Here is a revised participation process and more detail.

Reasons why you might consider this:

1. I am launching a brand new website in 2 weeks with full power SEO in place. We are anticipating a conservative 700 hits a day for the month of May and your blog and writing would be optimized being part of this.

2. Guest blogging is a lot of fun and a way to reach an audience you may not have currently on your own blog

3. I like your work and want to continue to build our personal and professional links.

TO SUBMIT (Due Friday April 27)

1. Send me an email to mhousewright@yahoo.com  with the name of your blog hyperlinked to your URL and your name hyperlinked to the ABOUT page on your blog as well as the title of your piece

2.Please include a photograph (of which you have the rights to use) for the piece.

3. All posts must be 600 words or less and be in the categories of TRAVEL, FOOD, WINE, POETRY/HAIKU, HUMOR, WINE, or PHOTOGRAPHY (in the case of Photography I would like a minimum of 4 photos and a maximum of 7)

4. Please include a short Bio (I mean 2-3 sentences Max) explaining why you are a very cool contributor

5. I will enter your work into my blog queue and return to you the exact date and time your blog will appear on my site so that you may let your readers know when you will appear on The Blissful Adventurer.

6. PLease..PLEASE! Spellcheck and proofread your work as I will not be able to edit in the time allotted

If you have already submitted work or told me you want to do this you may want to follow-up with your post and make sure I have all the above information. I will have to enter 26 posts so it would be a huge help if I can avoid having to do much leg work on individual posts.

Please do respond to me via email to discuss any questions you have and all are welcomed to submit. If we exceed 26 in total I will schedule some days for a morning and afternoon post which is quite often very successful.

Thank you all and I hope to see you here on TBA in May!

Very Kind Regards,

Michael

Break in Case of Emergency (or: why a wine nose is bad in a locker room) Part 1

WARNING: The following entry contains explicit and repugnant language as well as vulgar imagery of a scatological nature. Be warned, this is not a warm and fuzzy blog post.

Sean Beck, one of the best wine people I know and a bastion of knowledge and experience made a comment on Facebook the other day about how a trained wine nose is a wonderful thing, until the one with said nose enters a locker room. Sean, as usual, made me think about what he said and I decided it was time to call for change in the age-old system of locker room decorum.

Gyms should remove all seated stalls from male locker rooms. The locker room is not a place to shit, it is a place to change and, if you must, shower after a workout. It is simple as that. However, it is a commonly practiced custom for men to set their defecation cycle to the afternoon workout and thus pollute otherwise clean locker rooms with the foul stench of end of the day feces. Oh, I am sure many of you men are already steaming that I am calling out your sacred ritual. I am sorry, but those of us who are grossly offended by the aromas of bacteria feeding upon fast food would prefer you to crap elsewhere.

Now, for illness and emergency I can see that any gym worth their salt must find a solution; and I have this solution. There should be a locked restroom similar to a  janitor's closet with a container on the wall near the door holding a key housed behind a glass panel. On the panel is etched: "Break in Case of Emergency" using the small red hammer attached to the housing by a piece of butcher's string. In essence, no one should be shitting in a locker room without due cause; and that cause can only be imminent diarrhea, and nothing else.

There should most definitely be an audible alarm on the glass so to give the wayward shitter something to think about lest he break the glass for a non-emergency. In addition to the alarm a fine would be assessed for using the emergency dump-hole in the case of only minor lower abdominal discomfort. The emergency outhouse's sole purpose is protecting gym users from sharting due to the sudden onset of Ebola or related illness. You, Mister drink that extra cup of coffee at 3 to prepare your bowels for complete evacuation at 4:30; your days are numbered. When this post goes viral, and it will, gyms across America will be calling their contractors to rip out stalls left and right. There is no room in a modern America for a serial public defecator.

Now, the only exception I will make to this rule is Buc-ee's. For those of you who don't know, Buc-ee's is the king of roadside convenience stores and they have stalls in their restrooms with floor to ceiling doors, exhaust fans, and hand sanitizer in each stall. Basically, this is the only bathroom outside of my apartment or hotel room I would ever consider for a loaf-pinching, and I am not alone. In essence, Buc-ee's has built an empire on high-sugar snacks, kitsch, and clean restrooms for private events at private moments. Traffic backs up on the highway to get into these places and for good reason; because that little beaver knows how to treat a driver. If they had Autogrill food and coffee I might just spend my life driving from Buc-ee's to Buc-ee's eating, drinking, and shitting to my heart's content. I suggested to them that they install iPad docks with swing-arms at eye-level while seated in a stall. Who wouldn't want to rip through the e-pages of Kitchen Confidential  while tearing off a piece of the past in the splendor of a Buc-ee's bubble of privacy?

All of this being said, the locker room is not the place for unloading creatine-laced smoothies, Filets O' Fishes, or COSTCO $1 hot dogs. I have been trained to smell the difference between raspberry and raspberry jam, but I am certain I am losing olfactory capacity because every time I go to the gym, or an office building, or a Whole Foods restroom, some asshole has dropped their whole family at the lake and they are splashing merrily about without regard for their fellow-man.

Why? Why me? Why is their always some douche on the cell-phone in the crapper? Who talks on the phone while shitting?! The release and private pleasure of a morning emptying is on par with sex, Musigny, and white truffles from Piedmont. Why would someone want to go through the motions while carrying on a conversation about auto repair, weekend plans, or who is picking up the kids from school? Why are more often than not these caca conversations in Spanish? I cannot tell you the number of times I have rolled into some roadside restroom and the first thing I have heard is: "No, no puedo (followed closely by) thhhhhhhhaaaaaaccccckkkkk...and then "Si, si puedo".

We all know how far we have come with "Yes, we can" it is now time for "No we won't!" We will no longer say yes to locker room nasal abuse. Please go to your local gym today and ask them to remove their men's locker room stalls. When they look at you like you are crazy ask them to follow you in and smell for themselves. Perhaps the following sample might make them remove the pools for the stool.

Once in college, I rolled into the restroom near the cappuccino bar at the University (I will not even begin to discuss coffee shop restrooms) and when I entered I heard a sound like the body of a feral cat being torn in half, followed very closely by a stench of F5 magnitude. I had by then long mastered the urination breath-hold through years of swimming pool games, so I managed to get out my stream of relief and made it out the door before having to take in a retro-nasal taste of pure country and just in time to bend over double and inhale deeply to return oxygen to my brain. At that moment out of the bathroom came the bucolic security guard, Frank Green. I looked up at Frank with eyes like the victim of a hate crime and he simply adjusted his flashlight and in the friendliest voice imaginable (and N Texas country accent) said "well hello Michael." I came to my feet  as he ambled back towards the security booth and I knew I had been scarred for life.

...to be continued

Finally, after 1 full year of deliberation, hard work, and emotional trauma, Juliet and I have left Houston, packed most of our belongings into storage, sold 1 car, sold our Italian travel company, and moved to Colorado. This is the beginning of a new life of travel, writing, photography, and fulfillment of a longtime dream for us. I have toiled (mostly happily) in food, wine, and travel for nearly 15 years and with all of the amazing adventures I have had my dreams of writing that were hatched as a 6 year-old child have remained constant. Juliet and I have taken a very creative and alternative career path to allow  me to focus on writing my first book. Through my blog I will reveal components of the life experiences from which I will draw to mold the overarching narrative of this first piece of "stylized" non-fiction.

Stay with me fellow Blissful Adventurers and prepare for the ride. No punches pulled and no subject too taboo for this writer who is bursting at the brain to share his views of the planet and observations of humanity that will hopefully provoke thought, amusement, confusion, and mostly laughter. The Adventure Begins!

Snoring in Europe (Part 1)

God be with those who explore

In the cause of understanding:

Whose search takes them far

From what is familiar and comfortable

And leads them to danger or terrifying loneliness.

Let us try to understand their confronting or

Unusual language; the uncommon life of their emotions,

For they have been affected and shaped and changed

By their struggle at the frontiers of a wild darkness,

Just as we may be affected, shaped, and changed

By the insights they bring back to us

Bless them with strength and peace.

Amen

This week for me begins with a tale from 2006 and my first days leading for BACKROADS. The prayer from above has stayed with me and in my pocket since 2006 and it never fails to remind me of who I am and what I do. As many of you know, I actually led cycling trips one summer before I decided to start my own biz with Antonello.

I was training in the south of France when this story took place and it led to a subsequent snoring story with my good friend while cycling in Tuscany a month later.

Snoring is a disease, and certainly there are methods to curing the suffering, and certain sleep dysfunction caused by the insipid palsy that affects so many in the tremors of the deep night. Whilst in France I was confronted with 2 sleeping options as I moved my things into the Provence leader house near Carpentras.

 A. I move upstairs to a large room with 3 or 4 other people whom I did not know, and face the challenge of walking up a flight of stairs that forced me to continue ducking until I reached the upstairs landing. Keep in mind I had just gotten a concussion that week from not ducking far enough under a trailer door as I exited carrying a pile of bike gear. This was pushing my number of lifetime concussions closer and closer to Troy Aikman territory and I had even grazed my head on the low ceiling above the stairs just a couple of days prior while at a return to Europe party in the house.

OR

B. I move into a room with one other guy, a friendly Canadian fellow named Claude (Clode) who had been leading trips for several years. The choice seemed so apparent to me I quickly ushered my things into the room with this bundle of esoteric knowledge; Claude. The funny thing was;  I went in with my gleeful bags of bouillon cubes, chefs knife, and far too many clothes, while the others in the house were looking at me as if I had just chosen Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in the 1985 NBA draft. To those in the know, Claude the gentle while awake, became Claude; destroyer of all things, when sleeping.

However, I was undaunted as I was not only going to avoid further head trauma, I was going to once and for all wean myself from the habit of being a light sleeper. No more was I going to be fazed by erratic night noises including faucets, crickets, and flatulent girlfriends. Nevermore was I going to be left awake and contemplative of nightly suicide because of bright clocks, partially open windows, alcohol induced tremors, nothing. This Claude guy was going to show me the way to a real respite, and the white whale of a full night's sleep would be mine at last.

Sadly, just as Ahab spit his last breath at Moby Dick, I too was left grasping at the frayed elastic of my boxers and battening down the hatches of blankets over my head to endure the rampant and unpredictable squalls of snores cast upon me by the now malicious and hateful Claude. By day, he was a resource for all things Backroads. He was the inspirational traveler to Vietnam (cheers Claude, I made it!). He told me of cheap accommodations in Saigon (where he was likely evicted  after each night his unsuspecting proprietors heard the thundering tsunami of snores). Claude brought hell with each breath, and on night 1 I felt as though I had been assailed by not only Claude, but some silent arriving interloper delivering a second death blow of unique sound interspersed with the initial insonorous launch.  How could anyone claim to be asleep and make this kind of noise?

Then it turns out, to my sad surprise, that Claude is one of the legendary snoring ventriloquists. While rare, they can be spotted at times playing hold'em with the Yeti at a Lockness casino. Claude, had mastered the art of delivering a deep inhaling snore, coupled with a migrant, pitch shifting, exhaling snore which bounced around the sonic register as to appear to be coming from all sides. I mean this guy was like BOSE technology on snoring.

Needless to say, my egocentric side forced me to ride out the wave and blame the subsequent next day eye-bags on too much vino and too late to bed.Yet I knew the truth was lying 5 feet away while my short-statured colleagues were resting easy in their upstairs cave of tranquility. I loathed them all and prayed for some relief on night 2 of the onslaught. After a Tet offensive-like barrage in the first 20 minutes of tossing and turning I finally rose to my feet, blanket in hand, and made my way to the couch in the living room, only to find a sleeping colleague had beaten me to the punch which sent me back to sleep apnea hell for the remainder of another long night. I was told in the morning that the sofa would be free should I venture that way again; and I did, every night  until the troll guarding me from crossing the bridge to sleep-town decided to spend the night away...on my last night in Provence.

My Dinner with Malcolm Gladwell (Part 2)

...he smiled to himself, adjusted his laptop screen downward hiding his work, turned his chair in my direction and told me...

MG - I find it curious how often I am asked that question..uhm...uh..

Me - Michael...(beat) don't worry man I am sure you forget quite a few names

MG - (cutting me off) No I don't. I forget very few names and even fewer faces

Me - Would you say you had spent 10,000 hours getting to that level of mastery with names? (smiling to myself as I knew I had him on that one)

MG - Yes, for sure. Imagine that I have been writing for the New Yorker since 1996 and imagine the number of interviews I have conducted; with and without the assistance of recording equipment

Me - What are you drinking?

MG - Excuse me?

Me - What kind of coffee drink are you drinking?

MG - Oh, this is a cappuccino with a little less textured milk, so really it is more like a latte' without so much milk...

Me - Or a cappuccino without schiuma

MG -What was that?

Me - Schiuma, the Italian name for the foam. Italians don't go down the path of naming things cutely just to make a menu sound better. I mean, an Italian will use many words to describe something, but taking license with the structure of the language seems pretty Anglo

MG - Why do you speak Italian, or do you actually speak it?

Me - I speak it, it is not always correct, but I like to speak

MG - Obviously

Me - Touche'...so look man, I know you're busy and I apologize for..(girl walks over to the table)

Girl - Are you Malcolm Gladwell?

MG - Yes I am

Girl - I knew it. Today is my celebrity day. I met the mayor this morning at Randalls and now you. It must be some kind of something in the air

MG - (silent)

Me - (more silent)

Girl - (looking over shoulder at friends in line) I knew it was him, I mean no one has that hair

MG - (silent)

Me - (seething to myself - do not fuck this up for me you fucking sow. I knew some someone like you would come in here and bust my balls)

MG - (politely) well nice to meet you (he looks back at his computer)

Me - so why Houston?

MG - another question I am asked with some frequency. I get the feeling there is some derision among the locals and from my research..

Me - so you are doing research! when is next?

MG - maybe two years (his eyes light up) but I have started (as he begins to get up)

Me - OK, can I throw you a curve ball?

MG - besides asking me if I considered my own book a legitimate piece of writing?

Me - hey, I was really just looking for an ice breaker as I know you are likely exhausted by generally obsequious behavior and, I wanted to welcome you to Texas

MG - I am actually here quite often

Me - perfect, as I know you likely have an enormous following here and at least a reasonable social network I would imagine you get a little tired of the giving of yourself to everyone else's cause

MG - are you suggesting that "celebrity" (he actually made finger quotes..oooh) gets tiring (really quirky laugh and head shake)

Me - I am saying you likely spend way more time with obligations than having fun. I have no idea whether you like food or wine, but my wife and I do a fair amount of cooking and we spend much of our time in Europe so dinner is a sacred space for relaxing, chatting, and especially unwinding...

MG - That is really kind of you, but I am only here through Thursday and I do have obligations

Me - But what if you didn't?

MG - (sigh)

Me - I know you are looking for an out right now (laughing at my own brazen assessments of him) but I assure you we are fun. We just got back from Vietnam and we are all about some cool wrap and roll stuff with killer herbs

MG - Vietnam is fascinating in that people are so fascinated with Vietnam. I have been told I should see Vietnam if I would like to discuss the opening of the SE Asia corridor to commerce and how the Roman alphabet may have diminished the work ethic of the rice farmer in Vietnam

Me - Man those people have it all. Along the Mekong there is fruit in every yard. The old people build tombs on the farms so the kids can't sell the property

MG - That would give a whole new meaning to buying the farm ahhahahah (really snarky nasally laugh, but he was starting to enjoy what I was saying at least)

Me - seriously, the place is amazing and we brought back the most amazing coffee from there. Why don't you come for dinner I can show you some seriously cool photos

MG - You would think that I get offers to do dinners, etc. a great deal of the time, but actually I think most people assume that I have an obligation or that I would never consider such an offer, when in reality I have a profound enjoyment of dining in smaller settings and especially for food that is homemade.

Me - I would guess on the road you don't get much of that, Just like winemakers and wine reps when they come to town are usually taken to the cuisine of their origin which probably blows compared to what they eat at home or they are carted off to steak which people equate with Texas even though the stuff comes from the Midwest.

MG - The steak served in restaurants here comes from the Midwest?

Me - Not all of it, but a ton of it. Come on are you being facetious?

MG - (wry smile) not entirely

Me - This is why you are here isn't is? Why Texas Myths have powered Monsanto?

MG - So, how long have you been cooking and why do you know where winemakers are taken to dinner?

Me - (recognizing he was being evasive yet again) Since I was 11. I was in the kitchens with my grandmothers and watching them can jam, preserves, and pear honey. I helped make pickles, cook okra, and the world-famous hamburger steak; which I promise I won't cook if you come. Seriously, I was inspired by my friend Helga to upgrade my cuisine many years ago and then while living in Rome I cooked with my buddy's brother in Milan who taught me risotto. As for wine, I worked in that biz for 14+ years and did many nights out with tired, sad, winemakers who were sick of steak.

MG - Risotto is one of my favorite foods

Me - No way (getting way too excited) I have likely cooked 400 risotti in my time and it is my signature dish. Once again, you show up here on the day I tell the world I am going to write and now YOU tell ME that you love risotto and it is what I do best. Come on, I have put like 10,000 hours into risotto

MG - (Actually enjoying the reference) (big sigh)

Me - You want to come

MG - Would there be other guests?

Me - Do you want other guests?

MG - No, and in fact you would have to keep it under your hat that I was there

Me - You mean I couldn't post all over FB that Malcolm was "outlying" low at my crib?

MG - uhhhh..

Me - Seriously, my wife is a nurse and has to see people like Barbara Bush naked all the time so I assure you discretion is paramount at our place.

MG - Well, if Barbara trusts you guys...(really nerdy laughing and so much so that I kind of wanted to move)

Me - so, you are in? How about tomorrow at 8?

MG - Oh, I thought you meant tonight

Me - It can be tonight..sure..tonight is perfect (Juliet I know will be working late and completely exhausted)

MG - Now I am inconveniencing you and that is not at all why I have accepted your offer.

Me - Look, this will be fun and I have a risotto in mind I actually already have the ingredients to make. Any allergies?

MG - Food?

Me - You're allergic to food?

MG - funny...yeah..I don't really eat much meat, but I since I am in Texas...(laughing again)

Me - OK, so I am making what I have. I have a new wine from Piedmont I just picked up at the Houston Wine Merchant, which is a great shop.

MG - I know that place

Me - Do you know Marcy?

MG - I am not sure

Me - You must not, because if you did, you would know. Do you have a car, do you need a ride? What part of town are you?

MG -  I am actually staying with someone in Bellaire, and yes I have a car. This is Texas.

Me - Does 8 work for you

MG - Yes it does, do you mind if I bring a guest? I was supposed to have dinner with this person and it was my choice, so now that I have chosen you I do not want to exclude her if possible. Forgive me if that was an ungracious request.

Me - Are you kidding me? Cooking for 4 is no different than 3 and we have plenty of wine.

MG - She does not drink

Me - She can't come...just kidding

MG - OK, it was very nice to meet you Michael. I must be on my way.

Me - Here is my address and phone number if you need anything at all or if anything changes. Please park near the building office and give me a buzz when you arrive and I will let you in.

MG - Is it not possible for me to get in without calling you? (seeming disturbed)

Me - It is, but you would have to wait at the gate till someone pulls in and then follow them, park in a visitor section and then follow them up the elevator because you cannot get in anywhere without a key fob

MG - Wow, I thought I was the one who needed privacy and discretion. It sounds like you live in a fortress

Me - This is Houston, we all think we need security and in reality, have little.

MG - Do you know the origin of the word Fob as in key fob?

Me- No, but I bet you do (laughing to myself)

MG - I don't but the word seems strange.

Me - Today seems strange sir.

MG - Ahhh..well, I must be on my way and thank you. Thanks also for keeping this conversation and our meeting discreet

Me - The pleasure has been all mine and tonight will be fun for you, and I know the risotto will be worth it even if my wife and I bore you to death.

MG - (courtesy smile) Goodbye

Me - Ciao!

....to be continued